Jaw Dropping; Awe Inspiring

Monday, February 22, 2010

Journal 19 - I am but nothing without you

So this tangled web I find myself in, if you really look close you would notice it isn't so tangled at all. I mean there he is in one end, there they are in the other and I'm right at the centre...perhaps more towards him than them. But when you really look closely at this web, the only way out for me is through them because if I choose to move towards the corner where he exists the whole web falls apart. If I move too close to him, 'them' on the other corner disentangle from the web 'disappointed' that one of their own chooses something other than the obvious choice, resulting in the breaking of the intricately designed web.
Confused? You should be, a tad bit at least. Being at the centre isn't easy, because all that happens to you, is you being thrown around like a ball on thread, treated like a puppet when having to make a choice...when you're part of a web such as this...everyone is meant to have the same rights..So how is this fair?

My world is a joyful place with your presence; they take it away as if it means nothing. Why is it so hard for one to realize another's happiness doesn't have to be along the lines as theirs? I can't live without you. And I won't let you live without me. I wish it were that easy, don't you? I can’t cry now maanee, it’s like these tears connect me to you somehow and I can’t let them go off that easily. I walk around aimlessly, choke on my own helpless cries as the tears burn my eyes and my chest tightens with pain. You’ve told me times more than once that you believe you can make me happier than I’ve ever dreamed I could be. And I believe you with every nerve in my body I believe you.

I can’t do anything without having moments and promises we shared passing through my mind. Now more than before I see your face so clearly in my head, I can’t sleep without knowing I’ve come to disappoint you more than I ever imagined I could. I can’t go back to the place I used to call home because everything is you to me. Everywhere I’d look I’ll see you in it. You my life. My soul. My spirit in everything I do. How can I part from something so wonderful as you?
I painted today. I cried. Cried wanting you to see me. Cried needing you to hold me and pray with me that we’ll have one another for the rest of our lives. Cried, needing to feel the pain through my body. The colours blurred into one. You made everything I did mean something, now it’s turning into a disappearing memory. How can I forget a life so real and true to me?

God, you’re everything to me. You’re every damn thing to me! Everything was you for me. How can it be any other way? This can’t be it. It just can’t.

The sharp edge of a knife never felt better than now against my flesh. Yes. I see the blood flowing against my pale skin. I feel nothing. How many more cuts like these would it take to make me numb whole? The height from atop as I look down, doesn’t look as scary. I won’t die. It wouldn’t hurt as much. Come with me. You know I never am this way. Be with me.

I can’t. I can’t let you live without me. I can’t be alone. Be it with people or not. I can’t let you go. I can’t. My person needs you. You never fail me. I can’t lose you. You’re everything to me. God.
Why can they not see it? Will they ever?

Weren’t we meant to be? If it wasn’t true, how is it that we make sense in every logical, emotional and practical way?

I am nothing without you. Absolutely nothing.

Journal 18

It's 4:18 am, I can't fall asleep and I can't stop the randomness of my thoughts

Now it's mostly turned towards revolving you, and I hate this. I hate not knowing exactly where you are and what you're doin, I hate not being sure if I'm getting too sappy on you, I hate not being there when you tell me you aren't feeling good, I hate not knowing where you exactly are when you're there, I hate the distance, because in the dead of night when I wake up I want you, I want to see you and I want to hear you, because in the midst of the dark the distance feels like a non existent space, where everything about you and I exist in my mind and I have to hold onto every thought and every memory so tight, coz' I'm scared to death of not having you inside me.
That empty space feels so much more bigger than the oceans between, everything I want to know of you is based on assumption and words that you tell me and my imagination to create something similar to what you describe to me, I hate it.

I hate feeling like I exaggerate every feeling for you and to you, I hate not knowing...
I hate knowing that when we're together, we're amazing together..and I hate that we can't be amazing together any time we want...

I don't know, I can't help that my hearts full of you, and I can't help feeling all of this and more, I can't help needing you more everyday.. but it gets scarier and harder everyday...doesn't it?
"Cause I need you Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind, Like the orphan needs home once again, Like heaven needs more to come in, I need you here."

I don't want to overwhelm you with my fears, that's what I'm afraid I might end up doing if I do go on like this because I know it will push you away somehow, even if it is mentally... but this is to let go of it all for a while, just to say out loud that sometimes I need you more than you need me, and sometimes I want you with me more than you want to be with me.

You're what keeps me alive. The thought of you. The way your eyes look into mine. Your smile, the touch of your skin, your lips. Whether I die tomorrow or 50 years from now, my destiny is the same. It's you. I want to be with you. I love you

Journal 17


Time, apparently when you have loads of it in your hands and you don't know what to do with it.. it makes you lazy, lethargic and someone completely lost... sleep comes hardly and when it does you just wanna lay there forever... because you know if you wake up there is absolutely nothing for you to do... you don't want that, so you dont get out of bed... you lay there.. and the thoughts of the most random things come rushing into your mind... you toss and turn... and try every way to get rid of them... but they won't leave you alone, because now you aren't sleepy or tire, so sleep wont come to you.. your left with thoughs of everything in your life....
it's the thoughts of your parents, the friends you talk to, the stuff you talk about, the problems you face in your relationship, the crush in school, the tons of issues coming up in your life, the limitless worries of sorting out your future, the background music you wanna stop listening to, the faces of people that matter and that don't matter... simply random thoughts...
Your then forced to wake up, cos now all you have is a throbbing headache and all you want to do is get rid of the thoughts..and have some strong tea...sigh...
Walking across the house, its a daze, like an out of body experience maybe... cos you don't know where your headed or where you want to go...and for a moment in time there isn't a single thought in your mind...and how you wish it would last...
Random moments in time and random moments of your day wasted on unwanted thoughts that you wish you could control, cos all it does is bring more confusion and ruin parts of your day...
Apparently peace of mind is a lot to ask for one self...

Journal 16


I see the words I say, I see what I have said and I see what I've done...
Why don't I remember feeling what I felt at that moment?
How did it come this far, to be unaware of what I'm saying...

Insecurites lead to being defensive... what am is that makes me feel so insecure? that its destroying me...

Meagre words frustrate me.... non existent meanings of words you say bother me...
The shield comes up and the swords are drawn out.... but to protect what? what is it now?

How is it possible to not remember why I felt what I felt when I wrote what I wrote?
How is it sensible, to realize all that I've said was naive and unnecessary after the consequences fall through....

Where are these insecurities coming from? How is it not in my control?

I don't want to feel this way....

I don't want to not be in control of what I say or do....

Why doesn't it feel wrong at the beginning... and realization hits at the most inappropriate time...?

Is it pride? Superiority? Insecurity? What is it?

Help....

Journal 15


I see the words I say, I see what I have said and I see what I've done...
Why don't I remember feeling what I felt at that moment?
How did it come this far, to be unaware of what I'm saying...

Insecurites lead to being defensive... what am is that makes me feel so insecure? that its destroying me...

Meagre words frustrate me.... non existent meanings of words you say bother me...
The shield comes up and the swords are drawn out.... but to protect what? what is it now?

How is it possible to not remember why I felt what I felt when I wrote what I wrote?
How is it sensible, to realize all that I've said was naive and unnecessary after the consequences fall through....

Where are these insecurities coming from? How is it not in my control?

I don't want to feel this way....

I don't want to not be in control of what I say or do....

Why doesn't it feel wrong at the beginning... and realization hits at the most inappropriate time...?

Is it pride? Superiority? Insecurity? What is it?

Help....

Journal 14



'got a million reasons to run and hide'

theres one each day.... and it revolves around me... the reasons why i want to run away from everything and everyone...
the consequences of my desires and actions...all the things i dont want to deal with....

i'm terrified of the pain that I could go through for being dependant.... for not thinking before doing.....

believe me... when i tell you i only want to shield myself from pain so unbearable i won't be able to handle anything too well...
it doesn't have to mean your the one who causes it....

sometimes life...is about me...when its my life....
your my life... your me... but sometimes... i suffer alone... i feel pain alone... for reasons unknown... for reasons unexplainable....

i have promised you love...and life....
i have promised you trust ... and faith...
i have promised you hope... and a safe haven....
i have promised you loyalty... and eternity...

i continue everyday to make those promises for you... to you .... withthe heart to pull through it all for you... only for you...

because i can be the one for you... i will be the one for you....

despite the pain ... the hurt... the criticism... the fear... the anxiety... the worries... the nightmares...
despite it all... i will keep promising you my life to you... i will fulfill it all for you..when time gives me the opportunity....

so believe me.... when i say i feel pain... i feel misery... on my own... for reasons unknown... for reasons unexplainable....

i'm not weak... but i'm human...
my hearts for you... and i give it all to you....

i'm scared.... but i do trust you with my life, in every sense of the word....
every breath is for you.. with every beat of my heart for you....

i'm paranoid... but i do have faith in you, faith beyond anything else that i've known....
this love is yours and noone elses....

i'm sensitive.... but i'm not made of glass...
i need your protection...but i need your respect too...

so, believe me when i say... i feel pain for reasons unknown... i feel helpless for reasons unexplainable...

Journal 13


I'm not your best friend... I'm not the guy you could call your best friend... I'm the one girl in your life...
The one who needs you to realize that isn't like you... and deals with life in different perspective....
The one who needs you to know that things may never be the same with just one mistake...even though you think otherwise...
The one who needs you to know that ignorance is foolish and inconsiderate....
The one who needs you to know that there's a limit to which one can take...and one can forgive..and one can understand....

I'm not the rug you can walk on....
I'm not the dust you can blow off and say 'forget about it..''
I'm not the girl you need me to be always.... sometimes I'm just me...

I shall react to things the way you need me to.... but I shall react to things the way I need myself too as well...

I'm the one in your life...who needs you to realize what a mistake is... what a wrong deed is... and what it means to be hypocritical...
I'm the one in your life...who needs you to be accepting and big hearted....

I need you to knwo what you've done..or not done...I need you to realize how it feels to be in my shoes now... to have seen what I've seen...and felt what I felt...
I need you to realize it was the worst for me...and i can't think about it....
I need you to be the one to know that when it is that way... it hurts so much.... it feels so bad... it makes everything feel so wrong....

I'm not the one who's going to accept the wrongs and forget about them for the rest of my life....

Because, I maybe the one for you.... But I am myself... I am me... I have dignity held above my head...
I shall not take what I can't accept as something that could be forgotten about...when it clearly is someting terribly wrong

Journal 12


We say we're supposed to expect the unexpected... but is that even practical... or even something you could put into practice...?
They say things get worse before it gets better... but where's the line drawn for whatever the 'worst' maybe... ?
What happens when something uncontrollable... compeletely unexpected... and incomprehensible... happens? Then what?
To all those plans... even the ones to back you up? when the unexpected happens? Coz your not ready for this... then what?
How are promises fulfilled when life never brings opportunity to you... or even if you're running searching for it... and you don't find it... what then?
What happens when you just can't help having to say goodbye...?

"you can't make it feel right.... when you know that it's wrong"

What do you do then...? when life proves, all that you were sure of, everything you could guarantee yourself on...what happens when life proves you wrong?
Why is it so hard at one point.. that the very hope you were holding onto starts slipping away? What then?

How much of hope can you keep filling yourself with...? Optimism? faith?
Being human, is to err... and so what if you run out of faith...hope..optimism? for a while?
How do you move on from that? How do you let go of things you needed with all your life.. how do you detach yourself from them... not cos you want to...but you have to... cos thats the only way life has to go on... cos you have no choice... how do you do that? how do you move on from that..?
When your whole heart suffers from a pain so deep its hard to comprehend....? How in gods name is someone to move on from that?

Whats the next step...? does it just come to you?

when your heading in a direction..with a ton of warnings... but a deep instinctive feeling of a promise so true... is it all worth risking your life?

Is it possible to pull through it all by being stubborn? with arrogance?

"love you enough to let you go?"
why would that even be a choice... why should it.. why should someone have to make that choice when he/she doesn't want to..and is goin to regret it for the rest of their life?

Does it all it come down to..eventually giving in to lifes ways... the fair and the unfair... the right and the wrong...the painful and the pleasurable... the easy and the hard... just to take it all as it comes... to cry when you need to... scream when you have to.... laugh when you want to.... live cos you need to.... and regrets happen... its not life if you dont have them atleast once....

But yea... i do wish... certain things never happened..and would give anything to go back and change it all..have the power to make it a bit more easier.... and not have decisionswhere you had to make a choice...and there was nothing in between... but either you win or you lose....

Absolute Nonsense....

A Toast To Us

How do I say goodbye to what we had, the good times that made us laugh outweigh the bad, I thought we'd get to see forever, but forever’s gone away - it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
A toast to 'US' is what I should I say this may be... Coz it's been a year since we've all been together in that horrific place we call school...it's been a year since we all have had jokes about teachers and arguments over assignments and cheating off of others home work... it's been a year away from the times where precious times were created...bonds were made...friendship was strengthened....
A toast to 'US' for not giving up on each other...for being there when we could…and making time when we needed to…
A toast to ‘US’ for living in the moment…and recalling fore gone ones…
A toast to ‘US’ for having accepted change and yet haven’t changed at all…
A toast to ‘US’ for having the same love that has grown just as much…

Best friends hang tough. They don't come with ‘Fragile’ stickers and are not easily scared off, or ticked off. Best friends help you out whenever they can, make time for you even when they don't have any, and trust your friendship enough to say ‘No’. Best friends are cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die, good-times-and-bad-times, borrow-anything, tell-you-everything, trust-you-with-their-deepest-darkest-secrets, always-and-forever friends

Just a toast may not be enough to describe how important you are to a single person…each of us different in so many ways…yet managed to still want each others company just like the years back in the day…

A toast for ‘HOPE’, so that we shall always remain good friends till the end….
A toast for ‘LOVE’, so that your everyday’s shall hopefully be filled with more…
A toast to ‘LIFE’, hoping and praying…it gets better and better as we grow older ;)

Here’s a toast to us…so that this friendship lives on…
Let's become little old ladies together- we'll stay up late looking at old pictures, telling "remember when" stories, and laughing till our sides ache. Let's become eccentric together- the kind of old ladies who take long walks, wear silly hats, and get away with acting outrageous in public places. And if anybody should ask how long we've been friends, we'll say, "Oh, forever - since before you were even born!" Let's become little old ladies together- because a friendship that's as special as ours can only grow better through the years.

You Got Me

Losing my mind and my emotions is a feeling I crave for right now

You've got me sucked into a whirlpool of our very own world and I am loving every bit of it

The reality of it all isn't so good as it feels when it is with you, I can't block things out. I'm running out of energy to sweep things under the rug. I hardly think there's space under there anymore... How far can someone go on by just pleasing everyone else? I know I wanna be with you...youve got me right where you need me...you've got me stuck with you....me needing every inch of your soul and heart..and i cant leave now...not anymore without being torn and broken to a million pieces....

so what do i do now...?

Times come where i know i can do this..i can fight this...this battle between 2 worlds completely different but a world in which i am a part of...my heart is torn between a love so wonderful and a committment made from birth....

How can i feel so many emotions at one time? You've got me exactly where you need me....now i can't leave and i can't escape...even if i wanted to.... This is a blizzard of it's own...created by one's i know and think dearly of....I find myself...watching many of them disappointed and sad for so many reasons...caused by one thing...

how can u stop it all?

tears of so many people...when you know maybe something you could do might change it...but it would be giving up a part of yourself...and part of ur life that you so dearly cherish and need....

Why is the weakest made to give up the one thing they've found to be their stregnth and the most they've ever wanted and loved? Times come where i feel things seem to be goin haywire...I can't even pretend to be in control of my life...and it feels like the breaking point of everything that keeps me in place... What is life if it isn't meant for you to be happy? How far can you just keep living for others and pleasing others? You find yourself in a place thats so sad and miserable...you start wondering how it was even created in he first place...how you came to be in the middle of it all.....Regrets keep piling up and hurt n tears are the order of the day....you forget what you used to dream about life...what you ever wanted out of life...for yourself... You've got me stuck...youve got me right where you need me to be...coz I am lost but I'm safe....I feel so lonely but so loved... most days are cloudy and dark..and just plain lonely...but you still got me...you still have me fighting for life to have you...cos you're everything that keeps me sane...and willing...and filled with courage...
Times come where all this makes me feel like the most arrogant and selfish person....and whatever i want goes right out the window....but that's the one mistake i keep making....once again find myself moving in the direction of pleasing everyone else but myself....and that stopped keeping me satisfied some time ago.... Why is it so hard to be genuinely happy for another who has found an eternal happiness? Something that's so hard to find..and to maintain...

You've got me...right where you wanted me....and right where you needed me....
I keep falling....through all this..through the lonely nights...and the desperate days of wanting to break away from all of it....I'm falling right into your arms....

Journal 11


Never would I’ve thought..that letting you go has unconsciously made my body and soul…ignore whatever I want anymore…I don’t know what I want…noone can ask me that…without leaving me blank…
I keep blinding myself..lying to myself..that what im doin is right…theyre happiness is everything for me now…it literally is…cos without it I have nothing an di mean that now not out of choice..but out of compulsion…because I have no feeling…whatsoever…

Something has been going on inside of me..long enough..to slowly begin to destruct me within…I was aware things were going to change for me…since I wudnt be having any more distractions…
Never did I think..that I would start or begin to have an immunity to emotion..i never thought of all people id go through it…
It’s a strange thing when you come to think of it..
So many choices have to be made by me..but I cant make them..for one reason or the other…so its their decision that counts for m y future..for my happiness..for my life…its not that bad is it?
I never used to doubt it..but inside..somethings happening..i cant retaliate..i cant speak against.. canjust nod my head..and accept it..pray that it works out..and inside is only where I may start to fight back..

Stupid is not the definition for it..
Now all iw ant is to be alone..i cant talk to you anymore..not when im like this..not when im in deep vulnerability..of letting you in once again…
I cant want anything for my self satisfaction anymore…because whenever that happens..i end up feeling guilty…wether I should or shouldn’t be is irrelevant…
Its not by choice…its completely involuntarily..and I guess out of habit..
How to break of it…I don’t know..
I don’t know even if I want to…

Am I crazy?probably..i seem to be driving myself insane..literally getting myself to run around in circles...
My eyes may seem droopy..and I may look lyk I haven’t slept in days…but all I want now is control..of my own life..of my own choices..of my feelings..of what I want and what I don’t…
I don’t want to have to worry about what they think…i want total control..
And trust that..i will make it work..make my life good..make myself happy..
I might regret losing you in so many ways..but I cant take back what I did…it was the right choice..for so many reasons…

How do I know what to do..when I cant figure out what I want?
When my insides are screaming out for something…which I cant seem to figure out…?
My minds gone blank…
I cant see clearly anymore…
My interests are weak..and just don’t seem interesting anymore…

Tell me Lord..what do I do now?when my world has seemed to go foggy on me…?
When I cant see my choices clearly?
What do I do…when my heart has seemed to close up on me….

Always Be My Thunder - Boys Like Girls

Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today in the blink of an eye I'm holding on to something and I do not know whyI tried
I tried to read between the lines I tried to look in your eyes I want a simple explanation
For what I'm feeling inside I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out , Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors, I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder, So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder
Today is a winding road, Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know
Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today I'm on my ownI can't move a muscle and
I can't pick up the phoneI don't know (I don't know, I don't know, I don't know)
And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breezeI need to step outside
Just to see if I can breatheI gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way outYour voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder So bring on the rain
Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope, I'm wrapped up in vines
I think we'll make it out
But you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins, I wanna let you know how much, I feel your pain
Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors, I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunderAnd bring on the thunder, and I said
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder

Journal 10

You were everything to me...You became the life I've dreamt of...
You were the only thing I wanted and needed to wake up every morning to...Your happiness was the only thing I wanted to see
We built castles in the skies....we built dreams...that were never meant to be...
Those castle were destroyed....the love we shared was ruined...
Life hadn't written it in our destiny's after all...and we had to find it the hardest way I can imagine...
Never have loved before...Never knowing how it felt to lose great love...
All of it happening too fast...how is one supposed to react to all of it...
Like an angel you came into my life....spreading only the most wonderous of love I've known...
Never asking for anything in return....You were all that I ever wanted and more..and will always be..
I cant see you...neither can i hear you...but I feel the pain...I promise you one day it will all go away...
But for now know that I will be with you somehow...
Not everything happens the way we plan out it to be...I had the most amazing times of my life with you..
Your the safest place I could have ever been...and the trust I found in you, I know I will never find...

The only regret I will ever have...is not loving you enough....and not ever knowing what if....

Journal 9

Okay so...we humans as such have our faults right...?and no matter how much you try to omit yourself from having most of those faults...you can never fully rid yourself of all of them...
So what makes these faults either harmful...or a fault that can be easily neglected...
You see, the faults we have the tiny ones....only you can see them and only you can decide whether they're in need of getting rid of or whether it doesnt really matter that they exist...
but when it comes to a point where its a fault that's turned into a habit...well then its time for you to get rid of it...cos now this habit of yours can turn into something ugly...it would bring about a response, that you wont be able to figure out as to why your getting it...
Humans are all we are, so basically you can't blame yourself for this fault becoming a habit...but you are the only to blame when you choose to neglect the fact that its bringing about a negative response...
So when it comes to that, don't find reasons to defend yourself...or what you do..by saying its out of habit..because habits are bound to change..and you are the one who can change them...defending these so called faults...makes you ignorant, and I personally would think of the person as stubborn and immature...(including myself)...

I have faults..some of them horrible..and yea i ignore some of them...and some of them i try to get rid of..i guess its not easy at times..when it becomes a habit...you dont realize what it does to others...but if you for an instance put yourself in their shoes, or figure out how'd you feel if you had someone like 'ÿourself'' in your life...I'm betting you'd see things in a new or better perspective....

So why do we become so ignorant to these habits...?why do we just put them at the back of our head..and say things like ''óh nvm..he/she'll get over it''? or "your looking too much into the whole thing..."
Is that also one of the faults turned habit? If it is well now you know what to do...

There is always a limit, for going too far in anything...in this case, when it comes to a point that others are affected in a negative way, STOP!
Stop being so ignorant to your conscience, stop not doin whats right, stop neglecting these faults...maybe it is high time you did something about them...

Then comes another issue of how exactly do you do that....how do you stop yourself from getting annoyed or mad for the slightest thing....how do you stop yourself from jealousy taking over you...how do you stop giving too much meanin for things that shouldnt matter...the list goes on...and I wish i had the answer...but for this...I'm still on the whole journey of finding that out...

Whats next then...yea...there is always a group of people who probably aren't willing to accept the fact that they can actualy do anything about these habits...and there cliched reason would probably be 'this is who i am...this is me..i cant do anything about it...'...(right now i wish i could play one of those beep sound effects) well..what do we say to these people...yea...this probably is part of your pesonality...but it cant be who you are can it? Its something negative..and you openly admit to the fact thats it who YOU are...i doubt anyone would like to consider themselves as such...i mean..these habits come and go right...?sometimes they stay...depending again on you...what you do about it...and if it stays...if you CHOOSE it...then THATS who you are...its then that probably it becomes a part of you...so..technically your personality is of one, who isn't willing to change the negative...but to just make others accept, what you 'CHOOSE and are WILLING NOT to change'..whether or not it affects them in a bad way or not...?
Now honestly...what would you think of a person like this....?

Then again us humans have all come in different ways...so the other party...being humans have a choice here too...whether to accept or reject....which would you choose?

Journal 8


At one point of your life, you might turn into this person you don’t recognize…your in this body of this sad, disturbed person who doesn’t seem to get out of this sphere of absolute misery…and your actions, thinking are all things that you never thought you’d do…all of a sudden you feel as though your leading a double life…one that’s completely fake and a pretense…and the other that seems to not exist anymore…

The more obvious one is the former one, because things have just been piling one on top of the other on your mind…its been getting too much to handle…so it’s the easy way to wake up each morning with the will to actually go through the day with a smile plastered to your face…
As days go by, you realize that your not pretending anymore…this person IS you, and you cant rid yourself off the misery no matter how hard you try, you might make up your mind that ‘today I’m going to feel genuinely great!’….where eventually…something comes your way just to screw that ‘promise to yourself’ up…

Walking past the corridors, where we used to laugh…play, joke and lived like we’re supposed to…I see just the ghosts of all that happiness, like all of that was for the very last time…
They all pass me like a soft sad breeze that reminds me of what’s lost and can’t be regained…
I can see myself in the happiest place in my life…I wonder whether I’ll ever be there again…?

I’m someone I don’t know…someone I don’t like….someone I want to get rid of…but have no clue how…
I want to go back to that place…
Life’s too great for suffering…for misery…so how...how do I get rid of you?
Because now it’s getting too hard to differentiate, who is who…?
This pretense thing is pathetic, it’s suffocating…because you cannot express yourself…your stuck…with a body whose main goal seems to be screwing up your life!
You can’t get your way no matter how hard you try…it just gets worse…
Because everything seems to end with this huge regret…and you’re the one who suffers…its frustrating...you cant control it...you can’t change it…yet you’re the one who endures the consequences….
Its not logical at all is it? It’s an absolute confusion…I don’t even get what’s going on…

So all you’ve got to do is wake up…slap on that smile…and go by your day…whatever happens let it…right?
Well that can go on for a while…but not for good…it gets tiring…it gets exhausting…to pretend that your alright when your not…to pretend your happy when your not…to pretend that you care when you don’t…to pretend you love when you don’t…the list goes on…
But then again your too afraid to stop pretending…cos now you’ve gotten so used to satisfying everyone, your afraid this is going to hurt too many that don’t deserve it…and once again your stuck…stuck between what you want…and your conscience..

Journal 7


I cant cry anymore...oh dont get me wrong i want to...i so want to...but all of a suddend its as though my body is completely against me releasing all of that pain thats just stored up insyde...Because it has come to apoint in my life..where i dont feel that i;m ever gonna be good enouh for myself to ever be satisfied with anything i do..does that make sense?
It has come to a point in my life..where i have totally given up on the fact that anything..or everything will get better...will be alright...because now i shall live for the sake of others..right?for their happiness..and fulfilling their certain expectations...
And whether I like it or not...whether you agree with me or not...nothings gonna change the way life has turned out to be...
I cant cry anymore..the one thing that really helped me..the one th ing that really purified..so much of me...now i cant do ..cos i feel impure..and deceitful...
because i did a selfish thing..I did something that i regret...and will always will..and now i've made up my mind unconsciously that I dont deserve to be who i used to be..i dont deserve to be that self satisfied..carefree person i used to be..why?why...because...i've caused pain...too mcuh of it for a person that doesnt deserve even an inch of it...i am the cause of a life ruined..and for hope lost..why should i deserve to be happy ..wehn its because of me they are lost...and wounded?

I cant cry...its all blocked up in my chest,,,and in my throat...i want to...i try...to let it all out..to scream..and shout it all out...but theres nothing..its all hollow and empty now...i cant describe it..cos i've never felt this way...never been through this..and to put it into words..is truly hard for me...give me some time and i'l explain to you later..
its as though someone..strangles your heart..causes you pain...and then places another hand over your mouth so that you cant scream it all out..then ties ur hands and legs..so that you cant move..so that every inch of your body feels the torture...feels the pain...that every muscle fibre feels insyde of you..when your hearts constricted...thats how it is...the tears dont fall...even though you have a million and one reaspns to cry...they dont fall...

I cant speak...cos i have no words to describe any of it..even if i do...i doubt any of you would get it..unless your in the situation itself..oh and im not writing it for any of your pity..or your criticisms...its for my satisfaction...its been a long while since i let it out...
I cant speak...because my mind cant register whats happening around me...cos there doesnt seem to be a reason to smile..no reason to literally lean back and enjoy life...honest to god i never thought i;d be one these people who just wanted to suffer and be utterly lost in the world..but right now i really cant think of nethin else i'd want to do ...
I cant speak...cos my body cant take any more of lifes unexpected surprises that just dont bring a smile to anyones face anymore...because my mind cannot and does not want to understand the meaning of lifes hidden reasons as to why everything happens...because it has come to a point that no matter how hard i try to take control of my life..it just slips ryt back out of my hand...and once again life proves to me that now more than ever...i can not control my life...

Oh sure many of you would disagree with me..but who the heck gives a rats ass about what you think..all you probably know in life is goodness..and hapiness and the joys in life..you've probably never even been through a real trauma in life..to actually judge what i say...so my advice to you...shut up and be grateful for every damn thing you;ve got!cos you have no clue when it will be taken away from you!

I cant laugh...because literally...that part of me is nowhere to be found..oh i searched..but its gone..too late to get it back..and i dont even want that part of me back..why?cos i dont see a reason as to why i should have it back...life hasnt really given me a reason ... noone has really proved to me its better laughing than this...noone..
I cant laugh...because it shouldnt be done alone...

Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is the best medicine....sometimes a comforting friend...sometimes someone whos willing to just sit next to you in utter silence..sometimes all you need is a smile...sometimes a hug...sometimes all of it....just all of it...with no questions asked...thats all you need to get better...



1:27 am

Sayings - Phrases {random, grey's}

“There's a point in your life when you get tired of fixing everything & trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it's NOT giving up. its realizing you dont need certain people and the bullshit they bring in to your life.
How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask..., and when is it all just too much to bear?.”


“Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here's the truth...the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is...everything"
“And sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, we still hope...”

The expected is what keeps us steady. It's the unexpected that changes our lives forever.”

“Moments. That's all you get with the people you love.”

“Love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.”

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

"I never think the last time is the last timeI think there'll be moreI think I have forever but I don'tI just need something to happenI need a sign that things are gonna to changeI need a reason to go onI need some hopeIn the absence of hopeI am nothing”

‘’Good friends are like stars, You don't always see them but you know they're thereYou were given this life because you are strong enough to live it Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you just the way you are’’
''As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to let us down probably will. You'll have your heart broken, probably more then once, and it's harder everytime. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when someone broke yours. You will fight with your best friend and maybe fall in love with them. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast and you'll eventually lose someone close to you. So take too many pictures,laugh too much, and love, like you've never been hurt.Because every 60 seconds you spend angry or upset, is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.''
’People who want things find ways. Others find excuses.’’

‘’If your mind can perceive it and your heart desires it then you can achieve it.’’

‘’The human race has one really effective weapon; laughter.’’

"In the greater scheme of things if nothing we do matters...then all that matters is what we do. 'Cause that's all there is. What we do. Now. Today. Which means the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world"
‘’When I cut myself the pain goes away. When I look at my scars it brings it all back. In the midst of this self inflicted pain, i can see my beautiful rescue!!!She cuts herself. Never too deep, never enough to die. But enough to feel the pain. Enough to feel the scream inside’’
‘’If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there's no help in worrying.’’

‘’Everything will be alright in the end. If everything isn't alright, it isn't the end.’’

Loving is a feeling that brings both joy and pain to my heart. Joy from being with you, being filled with an emotion so deep and tender that no other feeling can compare. Pain from knowing that I'm so in love, that I'm more vulnerable than I've ever

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.’’
’I know I’m not a perfect friend, You're broken heart, I’ve tried to mend.Instead I made you hurt and cry,Maybe I should say goodbye.Would it be better for me to go?,I asked you, and you said "No".Why say no when I hurt you so bad,But believe me, you're not the only one that's sad.I made my best friend hurt like mad,If i left would you be glad?.Deep in my heart, I'll always know, I'll love you always,Even if I go!’’
‘’Forgiving is not forgetting. It's letting go of the hurt.’’

‘’I have learned that sometimes "sorry" is not enough. Sometimes you actually have to change’’

‘’When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.’’


Journal 6

Here’s to all the jokes we’ve cracked, Here’s too all the tears we’ve cried, Here’s to all the arguments and fights we’ve had, Here’s to all the birthdays we’ve celebrated together…Here’s to all the memories we’ve created, because now whether any of us like it or not, want it or not…we have to accept the greatest change that’s ever gonna take place in our lives…
Yea, CHANGE…the change of people, the change of lives and the change of routine…
Okay, so I know that we honestly cannot do anything about it, but then how do you cope up with that sense of emptiness, helplessness and loneliness…coz YOU know, how long its gonna take, to get back on track, to a life that’s ALMOST like the one you’ve gotten attached to, gotten used to, felt completely comfortable and yourself in…that’s complete crap…isn’t it?
I mean you can never have the same great love twice…so isn’t it the same here…you can’t really have that same life again, can you?
Why am I writing about it? Satisfaction…closure…relief…God knows, I just need to get it out…no ones really willing to talk about it…because it hurts too much…
But I cant keep it in…its even more frustrating…because then it’s like life itself is ‘rubbing it in our faces’ that there’s absolute nothing, that anyone of us can do…except just sit and watch, life take away so much of what’s a part of us and it being completely oblivious to, how its gonna affect us..and I hate that!
I mean there has to be something right…? Something we can do…I don’t know what…but I can’t just watch anymore…
Everything’s happening too fast to even do anything about it…times passing so quickly, the lil moments in life, you wish you could pause and cherish for as long as your heart pleases, you cant…within a blink of an eye you made friends and now you’ll probably never see them ever again…
Why is it so unfair? No one prepares us for this…
We are prepared for everything in life aren’t we…? We go to school to learn so that we can create a great life for us…we learn to be patient during problems…we learn to be the bigger person when it comes down to arguments…we learn to always have faith when we think we’re failing…so in away we are prepared for the worst of little situations….but…why aren’t we prepared for the biggest change of all…the one that will probably breakdown the most strong hearted person and cause so much of pain…the one for which finding a cure would seem impossible…?why aren’t we warned not to get too attached…why aren’t we warned not to fall in love…why aren’t we warned that in the end…its all taken away from you..and you wont be able to do anything about it..why is it that we gotta learn THIS the hard way…?

I get it…it’s a part of life…its just damned unfair…I get it, you will always have the greatest memories…but I would be kidding myself, if I said that, that was enough, cos its not! how can it be…?
I get it…just cos theres gonna be a distance, the relationships wont change…but still…theres this change…all of a sudden a distance of more than thousand miles…and all of a sudden theres a change in your life routine…the faces you loved seeing every morning you don’t get to see anymore…

Theres no point in saying everything will be fine..its all gonna be okay…cos you’d just be lying…cos you know inside your not gonna be okay…you know that things wont be fine…because whats gonna happen might be part of life…but it’s a part of life you just don’t want to be a part of!

True…theres a lot we learn out of it all…who our true friends are….and most of all that, time is of the essence…its not something you can control…its not something that is abundant…its not something your gonna have forever…so we learn, that every moment needs to be lived to its fullest…there shouldn’t ever be regrets…cos now…you realize the value of life, love and time…and how all of them…you have no control of…

Journal 6



Hatred is a scary thing…I mean ive said it so many tymes I hate you I hate her o I hate him…whatever…but truly havnt felt hatred…is it that way for everyone…?
Cos now ive experienced pure hate….and damn its hell…cos its like snake poison…get too close it gets in…and you try to suck it all out…the poison gets out…but not all of it…a part of it will always be there…but when its poison u treat it…and sumhow u can get rid of it..hatred…well its different when it comes to that…I doubt theres a cure for it except for time, understanding, patience…and well a point of view other than your own…
And on top of all things..when you hate someone you love…well…quite a lot…you;ve never felt love like that…be it a lover..a best friend..or just a friend…that’s horrible right?i mean people from outside..the ones not experiencing it..what wud they say…damn girl that’s not right..maybe you don’t love em at all..maybe this aint real..maybe you better leave it and just move on…yea likes that’s easy…they wont get it..and im admitting it..cos if someone told me this I wud say the same..cos it’s the obvious and natural thing to say ryt..i mean how in gods name can you hate sum you love that much?
But im being dead honest…its possible…and I guess you;ve gotta choose between hate or love…either hate the person and forget abt em ever being in ur life..not ez but its an option…OR..love em with all your heart,
make so many great moments that the bad ones just fade away..become non existent…and be clear with the fact that you gotta be patient…understanding to the max…and are willing to face anything that hits you hard….
Both have a price…its your choice to make…
I chose the latter…
And yea..its tough…because the bad…doesn’t go away…cos it was never burnt away…it was never truly thrown out..but just automatically pushed away…so its tricky now…when anything ‘not right’ happens…the bad comes back harder than ever…and its hard really hard to gulp it all down AGAIN..to suck it all up and be mature about it…because..frst of all you go through it on your own…you cant really talk to anyone abt it..cos rarely anyone gets it…2nd..you dnt wana be the bad guy or sound like the bad person…and 3rd cos you just dnt want to feel this way…but you do…whos fault is that?you are the one in control of urself ryt?you don’t wana hurt ne1..so its tough…real tough…

Theres also a feeling of being…impure of heart…deceitful…you just don’t feel good about anything..no matter whatever good you do…you know that these feelings exist…you just cant accept the goodness thrown at you..because out of all the feelings its ‘hate’, something so nasty and cruel…that you yourself are disgusted by it…so what do you do then?for how long can you actually…just let it go…just forget abt it…just push it away….for how long will you be willing to put up with it…?

Then it finally ends up at a point where you question yourself….maybe the love really doesn’t exist…how can it..when you can feel such horrible things…doesn’t matter whether it starts out due to frustration or annoyance…it still exists right….?
Then you wonder how your gonna reveal it…just say…’im sorry…I don’t think I love you the way I thought I did…’?

Journal 5


When your in search of the truth (for anything in general) and through the journey for it you learn so much...
once the truth unfolds ryt in front of you...and it is something you didnt probably expect...or maybe you did....or maybe you never
really wondered exactly what it would be..cos its a situation where the result didnt matter,you just needed it for closure...
but once its there...once you've found it...what happens when, theres an involuntary emotion of just 'stepping back' from everything,
'shutting out' from everything...what happens when the truth is something you can definitly handle...but your conscience
completely disregards it...
Because you see, probably some of us have come to realize that certain times of our life..our mind and heart become two different
beings...they seem to have a mind of there own..
So now its your conscience and your body...your body moves on...like nothings really changed....but your conscience is fully aware
of the change thats occuring..or going to occur within you...the force thats gonna pull you away from something you've stayed
attached to for sometime now...and as days go by..you drift away...you automatically shut yourself from that something(it could be anythin)
and again your body moves on...now konwing somethings changed..but frankly cant really do anything abt it...cos now..your heart...
has made a decision for you....and you cant change it...cos honestly you cant control your heart...

Now one by one...certain things in my life...get shut out...i grow distant from...and now im okay with that...because...it dusnt really bring
any harm to me...and seems like a good solution to certain problems...and theres less pain involved...

CLOSURE..why is that some of us..without it...just cant seem to end certain issues of our life??
Probably because once you've got it...theres thhis inner peace..and your mind finaly has this sense of relief...and ur unanswered
questions are finally answered and that issue is now settled..lets move onto the next...
i mean honestly who would want a bunch of confused dramatic issues with no answers just piling up in their life?
ok so lifes a mystery..that dusnt mean every damn thing has no answer to it...isnt there a saying 'everything happens for a reason' and
is it a criime to actually want to know the reason...?

I mean we are all humans..we are different...we all have our different faults...and we all wantdifferent things...then why is it that sometimes
we are blinded by our own needs..our own pride...our own ways of handling things...and always thinkin that 'we do it better' 'we do it ryt'..
and just end up screwing sumthin utterly perfect??
why is it that we have to constantly be slammed onto a wall..to actually make us realize ...look your doin this the rong way..try
sumthin diffrnt mayeb that will work out for you...but no...again,,,blinded by our stubborness...go hit your self on the wall..dont worry buddy
theres a solution coming ryt back at ya..just wait and see...sheesh..

Lifes a circus...not every person will like the same clothes..not every girl will like the same boy...not every person has the same interests..
and not every problem can be solved in the same way...
its justa fact of life...or maybe its your perspective of things...or of life itself..
If you cant compromise...then maybe...you shouldnt get yourself into the mess at the inception of knowing that,
because in the end its not only you your dealing with...its other people too..others suffer too..
And thats where forgiveness comes in...and the result of it all determines,whether your relationship
is on the verge of a meltdown...or, growing stronger than ever...

Journal 4

When you think a kiss is goin to be just a kiss...but ends up being more....what do you make out of it?
What do you do..when just a touch becomes more than just a touch....when a touch send your mind reeling...and your heart racing...
when the kiss turns into more than something shared between just friends...when the kiss turns into a promise...into words that show how much you need it...when a kiss has the power to turn your knees to water...yea it sounds cliched..but it happens....i never believed it...just a kiss...has the power to create a fixation for more of it all in you...
What do you do....when all this happens, and you know it shouldn't but dammit it feels so good and you just dont want to let it go..you just cant get enough..and you just want more...and more...you just seem to dread days where you know the possibilitly moves farther and farther away....and you hope and wish for the days to just have that touch....that kiss....
Gosh....just a kiss...can spin your senses around....
And you might think its gonna hapen just once....but what if it happend everytime you touch..everytime you get close..everytime your just inches away and it takes everything in your possible willpower to stay away...becos thats the right thing to do...
but the temptation...the temptation for more...for deeper...pleasure..to satisfy your need..the one you think would be your last thirst for the taste of it all....but only to be deceived by your own urges...by your need for somethin forbidden...but god how it all feels...
from outside...you seem composed...your emotions intact..your urge in place..even thought yuour just inches away...but god if you knew ...if you knew what goes on inside....how i ache for it all again....just one more time....maybemore i will never know...
all i know is..my arms ache to hold you...my body misses your warmth..being near you not being able to kiss you....is an agony beyond belief...
standing inches from you, every muscle of mine tightens...straining to endure torture of your nearness...but its a torture i welcome, an agony I dont want to be spared...
Its taken over me hun...you cant stop it..neither can i defy it anymore...it has seeped into my veins and the urge will always run through my blood....

Journal 3


You never really know what exactly 'hurt'' or 'pain' feels like unless you actually go through the whole process...i mean i've told my self a hundred times i'll be ok i'll be alright...it will blow off time will make it go away....but when you're caught in that moment....time seems to stop for a lifetime...and you ache and suffer until you come tó a point where you actually find a solution to it all...because frankly it never justs 'blows over', unless you stop and take time to resolve it...it never goes away....

''when your standing at a crossroad, and theres a choice you gotta make.....'' you risk losing so much of what you love...but when its a choice you know you HAVE to make...you will never honestly be able to avoid it...it will come to you whether your willing to make it or not....and the chances are your gonna hurt...your gonna cry like you've never cried...and you might wish you never lived...but isnt that what life is all about?teaching you some damned lesson..for which in order to learn the new meaning..yo can nevre take the easy way out....

i know letting go of you is the hardest thing i'll ever have to do...but i gotta do it...to be able to move on with another part of my life....i need to do this...the years to come will be the most horrid and miserable years for us...but we dont have a choice...even if we did...it would be risking losing so many of those we truly love...

''So hard to see myself without him,I felt a piece of my heart break,But when you're standing at a crossroad,There's a choice you gotta make.I guess it's gonna have to hurt,I guess I'm gonna have to cry,And let go of some things I've loved,To get to the other side,I guess it's gonna break me down,Like falling when you try to fly,It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,Starts with goodbye.''
It seems like nothing has changed after all this time, maybe it hasnt...but somethings have...a part of me has started to let go with what littel strength i build up each day...

February 17th '08

Journal 2

I guess now i'm building up that resistance from actually letting you inside me and mesing me all up...its taking time but it is worth it...i see it now...cos what you do doesnt do anythin to me insyde...i admit it affects me mentally...but thats not strong as what happens emotionally...the pain is slipping away....
the solution...was just to keep my distance i guess,,,i mean...is it my fault that i love too much too fast..when you love just a little....maybe its just not meant to be..i mean why force things that never are meant to be in the first place right?
it might be emotionally rong..but practically its right...thats what my mind says...why get into sumthin that you know will eventually break you... when you have the choice of just walking away...??seriously i mean its that easy....
aaah....its just a whirlwind of thoughts rushing into and out of my mind...every night before i go to bed...thats the only time where i cant distract myself from thinkin or wondering about you...
yea i've come to a realization that i cant deny the fact that im so hung over you...but i also know that i can control it...it is hard...but its sumthin to be done...it hurts but thats the things are supposed to be right...
when in my life i can do what my instincts tell me to do i'll never know....but i knwo that when it comes to you my instincts are nowhere near a possibility...!!

then again come to think of it...maybe i dont really love you this way...maybe its just a craving for now....cos i cant find a single damn reason for me to be in this position...and its not love exactly...but this irritating want...need...that just hangs onto me everytime your near...everytime i hear your voice...everytime....god....
other than the fact that................cos it feels as though it was just a dream...and im a pathetic fool to actually thought it meant something...because...i just feel like an absolute stranger walking past you...nothin between us....and you...god knwos what the hell goes thru that head...i just wish one day...one day once all this crap is solved...i hear you out...from your mouth...telling me what it meat....goddd why do i feel so lame and stupid?!!??!!?coz i am...?probably so...dammmnnn...

you think i want to feel this way about you?hell no...who would want to love someone you cant have....worse love some who doesnt love you back the same!!
now the main thing that still i just cant get is..why why why all this...i mean.. what the hells the reason...other than the above...that was like what a once in a lifetime thing..never gonna happen again?dont want it to ever happen again....so what then,,,,?
i just dont know why,,,,you of all people make my stomach feel all gooey inside when i knwo im gonna see you....why you of all people literally leave me with no words to speak....why you of all people make me sick till my minds blurred out!!!!why you?!?!?

so out of all this...iv realized another thing..i cant change this thing i have for you..neither can i completly get rid of it until ur out of my life....
because no matter how badly i wana get away from you...i wana be with you every single moment...no matter how much i hate you..i love you every bit....
nobody knows this...nobody knows who you are...maybe you do...but what you gonna do abt it....nothin right?so theres no point....

dont you dare say to me you love me more....you want to be with me.. dont you dare utter those words to me....it just makes you look....

over and over again...the same cycle repeats itself..and im foolish enought o fall for it every damn time...now all i;ve got to do is get myself far far away from you as possible...maybe not physically...but emotionally...mentally...just away from you....

thats all thats left fot me to do....isnt it....?

Jan 17th '08

In A Blink Of An Eye

ok so im having trouble putting into words what i want to say...or what i feell..odd i never find it hard to write it down..to find words for my feelings...

You keep it all inside...its hard to put up with you...but i still cant let go...
I realized why i'm crazy about you...you give this slyt colourful spark in my daily boring routined life of mine..
But its so little that i doubt it exists at times...sometimes im sure it is but most of the time i'm confused with reality and what i want...
Its hard goin through everyday knowing you can never have something,which for the first time you've felt and wanted so passionately..

But i guess time is the only solution to my continuous day dreams...memories...fantasies...
'How come you never know what you got,
until its gone,
Too bad, cause now im the one whos sorry,
How stupid was i to think that i was going to be alryt....'

Cos now im so deep in....and everyday i try to forget...but i still keep a little something to remind me...
Because i just dont want to let go of the memories...i know no matter how hard i try...putting the past behind me is going to be harder than I thought...

How much more foolish can i get?what happens when your gone?
there will always be a part of me not willing to let go of your memories....
You'll leave me alone...and everytime i close my eyes i'm not able to get you out of my head....

You'll leave me..along with the memories...

In an instant of a moment you make me feel on top of the world....the next you pull off the chair beneath me...
In an instant of a moment i can love you like ive never loved...and the next...i can hate you like ive never loved you at all..

But how can i still want it all so badly...?Nothing good in life is perfect....nothing good in life is just the way you want it...
You give my life an edge to it...you will never know how much you've meant to me...no matter how clear it is...whether or not its staring right at you...
You dont open up...does any of this...stir any kind of emotion in you?
I know no matter how much i'll ask...il never know...

the day you walk out of my life...will hit me hard....you'll be walking out of my dreams...out of my imagination...and out of my reality...
That day i will find out...was all what i did worth it....

In a blink of an eye...you can fall in love....In a blink of an eye you can come out of it....
In a blink of an eye...you can make memories that you wont want to let go....
In a blink of an eye...everything you've done to prove love....can be thrown away....

Just within a blink of an eye....you can cut me up and rip my heart out....

Journal 1

'love is what is the trouble is...'

It makes you do things you've never thought you would do...and makes you want to reach limits that just seem the most important right now....
but its one hek of a problem i tell you....but so good..in a twisted weird kindaf way...honestly....just knowing theres this one out there....who dedicates there life to your happiness....making you feel good no matter what...why wouldnt it feel good?they give this inner peace you've never had....makes your problems just vanish into thin air...
they're the only ones who can see into your heart....know what your feeling even without your words....they can tell when your lying...they keep your most horrible secrets....

'love will keep you up all night...'

hes honestly the literal definition of being 'one in a million'....he keeps me up in the nights...wondering whether i'm gonna ever be good enough for me to be deserved by him....i dont want to let go....why...because i dont want to go ahead with my life...wondering what wouldve happend if i stayed....i would've lost out on so much....because hes the one who stands an dwaits for me at the end of any road....whos the only one willing to lissen to my crap..and be with me through it all...

'a heart cant hide...what a face may try...'


i know...i havent been the best of humans to someone who deserves more that i've got...but i'm willing to give my all...not right now...its not th ebest of timesi guess...but soon...yea...then i'll hopefully have my peace of mind...i'll be able to stand on my own feet...and do things my way for a change....so....it will all be in time...
its hard holding it up together...but...i just cant let go...hurts alot too....but ....feels so good ....


Sometimes im so lost in my own life...so caught up in it...i take it all for granted...im sorry for it...truly am....i need the time in all the world to make it up for all of it...
sometimes i have the most horrible thoughts....but...its hard to imagine life any other way than how it is now with you....'a world without you is only wasted space...'

yea...i wish it were different at times...but its time now i face it and accept it as it is....

right now...its hard to figure myself out...its all too fuzzy...too complicated for me to want and sort itall out...i have too much to figure out now...but time will come...where this will be more clear for me....i'll know exactly what to do...

i just hope on everything that truly happens sooner than later....

'i wish i could tell you...your one in a million...you go the distance to make things better....someday i will tell you....your gonna make it great....i wish i could tell you...there isnt a thing you cant do....i need you to know...i will be right where you are...whenever wherever.....'

Hope As Always


God works in mysterious ways...trust me thats so true...
When your lifes a complete mess...and for some reason you have your confidence in certain things that they wont change...they are actually some goodness in your life...
But what do you when you find out that all that goodness is nowhere to be found?all of a sudden that constant in your life...which kept you going..which kept you happy...has disappeared...

What do you do when you have no words to explain your feelings? what do you do when you have no clue how to sort the mess your in?All these questions seem to be driving me mad....why cant i just leave it all alone like i do with everything else....
Apparently..i seem to think that if i do..i'll lose somethin recious..somethin i'll never be able to enjoy in my life again...
What do you do when...the past is somethin only you seem to remembr....only you seem to cherish....
I dont expect answers...but i hope for my goodness back...
When you miss something you used to have...and when you dont know how to get it back what in Gods Heavenly name do you do?!
living with just hope...it comes to a point where you feel as though theres no use in hoping...

No Answers


Why is it so hard to not think of you...? Your face haunts me everywhere I go...? It doesn’t seem as though you feel this way...I don’t hear from you for so long, and I wonder what your up to…don’t you know I need to hear your voice as much as I can? Don’t you know I want to spend my days with you? I guess you do…you just don’t realize how much…. because you’ll never feel the same will you, don’t you ever feel this way…? Do you ever wonder how feelings could be so strong…do you ever find yourself lost in us? Will I ever get my questions answered…? God help…am I falling into deep? Am I becoming too desperate for a soul that does not need me the way I need it…?
All I have is you…and I need your help more than ever…make my heart stronger…I don’t want to have it broken again…I still hurt from scars made by silly mistakes…I don’t know how I will go on with it broken…
It feels good doesn’t it…when something so wrong feels so RIGHT? When something you needed for so long, and you have it…any amount you want? Doesn’t it feel great, when the one person you love with every inch of your heart loves you back the same way, the passion you have for them they share for you…?
But what do you do when you fall in too deep for a soul that is forbidden for you to feel that way? What do you do when a lustful hunger takes over your body...seeking more of the forbidden soul? What do you do when you’re caught in the middle of your mind and heart? Is there anyway out of it all?
Because I keep finding myself, drowning myself in your thoughts…in your words…in your voice…in your eyes…and the more I do it…the more I need YOU, the more I want to spend every waking moment with you, this is desperation isn’t it? How do you get out of it? How do I stop myself from needing you too much?
What do you do when; your mind and heart speak two completely different languages…when what you need and what you want…are complete opposites…when the one you love shouldn’t be the one at all…

Overtaken


No feelings I’ve felt, that I feel for you
No emotions I’ve gone through, that I go through because of you
No passion seeped through my veins that like which does for you now
No desire has overcome my body, like which I feel now
No need has taken over my soul, like which has swallowed me whole, now for you
My body aches for your touch once again, not knowing whether it will be in hunger forever
My lips wait for the day it touches yours once again, not knowing whether it will taste yours ever
My body is taken over by desire for every feeling I’ve felt with you, I ache for that pleasure again
The days I don’t see you or don’t feel you, I cannot sleep without yearning for it each moment
I’ve never missed someone as much as I’ve done for you
Every dream I have is of you, of the times I want to relive with you, the things I want to do with you
How can I need your taste so much? When I don’t even know you?
How can my body die in need of the pleasure I felt for you?
You’re a lust I didn’t know existed until I had it…and now I need more of it each time I see you
Now that I have felt the pleasure I never knew of, is it a crime for me to need to feel it again? Is it wrong of me to want to do anything to taste it all again?
That one taste…
Made me feel as though I existed in a world of you and me, where I could have you with me always…where I knew you would always be happy…
That one touch…
Has turned my senses all around, making my body want more of you…
That one kiss…
Has made me hungry for that pleasure all over again…

My Sorrow, My Saviour

I want to stay in love with my sorrow, i think I know why..it's because I cant find anyone who can figure out what I feel...its only me who knows...and is clueless all the time..
Its because, everyone thinks just ignoring is going to solve the problems...
Its because most of the time, i dont want to have anyone around me anymore...i want to be left alone..
I think I love myself when I'm alone more when I;m with anyone else...so many people I befriend, or fall in love with for that matter...don't seem to understand me..dont seem like they wanna give time to figure me out...
Thats another reason i prefer being alone, maybe they all can give me somethin from life i cant give for myself...but thers a handful of pain that comes with it...which i dont think i can take anymore...
The sorrow I have, makes me feel as though I deserve to be on my own...as though theres something out there for me that will keep me satisfied if Im on my own...
Expectations have ruined my life...my relationships...another reason i prefer being left alone..
Sorrow...is the one thing I dont feel like i need to share it with anyone...i can be the most depressed person in the world and not show it...i can be dissappointed with everything around me and not show it...it gives me my privacy...my own different state of mind..
Its where i dont have to expect anything from anyone, just because they dont know anything about me..its sorrow that makes me miserable but yet satisfied about something..
Its in my sorrow that i dont think about you...what you do to me...what you do to hurt me...what you to to disappoint me...time and time again...you do it butnever realize it...and i want to scream it out to you...but i wont...because you should realize it all on your own...so its my sorrow where i will be till then...where maybe for now..or for the rest of my life...is my hiding place..
Its the sorrow...that doesnt destroy me...but its what you do to me, its the sorrow that helps me build up the courage to speak my mind...
The people i love the most, disappoint me the most, destroying me slowly by slowly...my sorrow helps me keep them in my life...without giving up too quickly...

No matter what

No matter where I may go... No matter where you land up... No matter where life takes us... You will be the only reason why my heart beats No matter the seasons change... No matter how many days go... No matter how many years pass us by.. You will be the only one who takes my breath away No matter what life gives me.. No matter what my destiny is... No matter who I turn out to be... You will always be that constant dream that never ceases to exist No matter whoever comes in between our love... No matter what they do to stop it.. No matter what they say... You will always be my one and only strongest and true love My love, no matter what may happen in between...nothing will stop us from being together in the end...

Reasons I love you and don't want you to leave

Without you...There is no meaning to this life I lead...
This heart that beats, is because of you...without you, the air i breathe would be of no use..
The sunny days won't bring a smile across my face anymore...
The laughter and happiness would have disappeared from my life...
I would watch the rainfall without appreciating its freshness and its ways of removing sadness from the world...
The warmth of my soul,and the love in my heart would be stolen away byt the winters icy breath...
So lonely it would be without you...So empty...
Flowers would bloom..and i would watch them without seeing there beauty...
The sky would glitter with it's wonderful stars...but i would stare without adoring the excellence of the creation...
Without you, the days and nights would be so cold and lonely...No more would i be able to hope to be in your loving and warm arms...
No more would i be able to be drowned in you sweet kisses...No more would i be able to feel your soft caressess...
No day would i look forward to...No sunrise nor sunset would take my breath away...
You are my laughter, my sadness...
You are my joy and my pain...You are my shelter for helplessness and despair...
You are every part of me that i never knew existed...
Without you...no part of me would want to go on...
You are the reason for my sunny bright days...and peacful lovely nights...
You are the reason for me, wanting to wake up every morning, smiling and yearning to hold you in my arms...
You bring me peace I long for, when we are together..
Without you..Life would be turned upside down..Without you how would I be able to taste more of love's sweetness..and experience all it's wonders?
Without you..who would soothe my aching heart?Sleep throught the cold winter nights with me to keep me warm?
I want you here, so that i can be lost in your love..lost in your touch...lost in your kisses...and lost in yorur warm soft whispers...
Without you i would'nt have the reason to try..or even believe in all the wonderful things life has to offer...
You bring me into the light everytime you say you love me..everytime you notice the little qualities about me that nobody else see's..
Without you who will see me for who i truly am?Who will love me the way you do...?

wish upon a star...

Remember when I said I won’t miss you
The truth is that I do
I never stopped thinking about you
We are meant together the two of us are bound
Now it seems like forever I can’t get you off my mind
If I could wish upon a star
Then I would hold you in my arms
And I know we could love once again
If could turn the hands of time
Then you would love to still be mine
Baby I would be right where you are
If I could wish upon a star
It obvious and everyone one can see
Baby you and are truly meant to be
But nothing turns around
If only I could make you realize
If only time could give us just another chance
Id prove it all to you
If I could wish upon a star
If I could turn the hands of time
Then Id be in your arms again
If I could wish upon a star
Then I would hold you in my arms
And I know we could love once again
If could turn the hands of time
Then you would love to still be mine
Baby I would be right where you are
If I could wish upon a star
If I could wish upon a star

*none*

Feeling so much pain...so much of confusion and destruction inside...
Never knowing how to let it out...
Needing to scream and shout!
Needing to destroy and cause chaos!
Having no way of letting anger out..Having no way of lettin the pain out!
Feeling hard to keep it all in!
Help me save myself from my own destruction!
Loss of something small..never knowing you would ever get it back..no one understanding the way you feel...no one helping you out..
Oh Lord, help me..help me sort myself out before anything horrible happens..
Before I can nomore control myself...
Needing to scream and shout!
Needing to destroy and cause chaos!
So much feelings...but no way out!!
Trying to push it away, but it keeps crawling back...making it harder and harder for me to go on..
I need to get out!
Noone trying to help..noone knowing what goes inside you..its the outside that counts..never the inside human,
All involved in their own fucking crap..never for a second think about another..as long as their needs are satisfied!
Oh Lord, help me..help me..heal myself, remove this pain and sense of infidelity in me..the feeling for destruction and chaos!
I want to let it out...but it will all be inhumane if i do!
I want back my life!
Oh Lord, help me..help me...
Figure out where i stand now..
Figure out my life...
Set things straight...
Remove this urge to destroy...This urge to scream and hurt..
Remove the heartache that never seems to end..
I just live for the sake of living..never knowing what is going to hit me next..
There seems to be more bad than good
There seems to be more reasons to hate myself..than to love me..
Is life like that?
Oh Lord, let me see the light soon...let me feel free soon..

One Wish

Sometimes it seems that i dont have to pretend to make you understand, but then again sometimes it seems that all i do is pretend...
I wish it were different...more honest and more open...
I wish it were more easy than confusing...
I wish it didnt always feel as though something was hidden...somewhere somethin was left unsaid...somewhere there was discomfort...
I wish it wasn't so hard...
So many wishes..but no hope of any of them coming true...
I wish you wanted the same thing as I did...I wish we wished for the same thing..

But in this case my hearts wish isn't and won't be answered...
My life suffers without you..the way i want you to be in it..
My heart suffers a best friend it longs to have...
My wish goes uncounted...
But my heart keeps wishing...

Just one wish...if i had one wish...I'll make you forever my bestfriend...
But thats my lifes unfortunate...
My hearts bad luck...
And my lifes misfortune...
To not know what i can share with you..
To not know what memories we could've made..
To not know what you wished for...whether you wished for the same...

Just one wish...
How i wish it came true

Love Is The Festival Of The Heart


I keep finding myself thinkinga bout you day and night.... All of a sudden I'm so restless...
My heart throbs over and over, just at the thought of you...
My soul is set free just when I see your smile.. My heart sings its own song when I dream of you...
I had no idea what it meant to fall in love...Now I have you..And I don't need anyone to replace you...I don't need anyone except you...I just can't fall for anyone else but you...
You've won my spirits over, brought magic to my world...
Just the thought of you sets my world a rainbow of life..with every colour of the heart set free....
Having met you...I know now what it is like to lose one's peace...You, my angel, seized my heart and took my peace of mind...and now you are my everything...
Love is amazingly strange, lonely at times but it is a festival of the heart...a festival of freedom and colour...
I trust you like I've never trusted anyone before...Having met you, I've learnt what love means...what trust means..what loyalty means...
It's an amazing feeling, when everything in me tells me that I truly mean the world to you...and I, truly am your everything...
It's crazy to love someone so much..but I don't think my heart will ever give up celebrating this festival of love..thers so much colour and love now in my life...
Without you my soul has no colour, no love... Angel, you are my everything without you thers isn't a me...
Theres one thing I will always know, I will love you like I'll never love again...

Missing You

How can someone miss another person so much...so much that it hurts everytime you think about that person?
I can't take it anymore at times..it hurts to even think that I can't have you here rght now in my arms...Why does it have to be like this?
You say you like it this way..because it makes us love each other more..maybe so..but it hurts too much..
I don't think that i'll ever will miss anyone as much as i do u....
Your my constant thought from dawn till the hours of the darkness..when everything seems so peaceful but yet it isn't...
Your my dream now..My one goal in life..when everything seems to be broken your the one i can turn to because I know your the only one who can make me feel better...
Why has it to be this way?
I need you so much at times..that i cry myself to sleep..hoping all this comes to an end soon..
Whenever i close my eyes theres always an image of your smile...
I feel even more lonely than i did before...i can't help but miss you and need you more my love....
I would give anythin to have you here next to me...to have you all day...just to talk to you...just to see you smile...and tell me that you need me...
Not a single moment passes by that i don't think of you...
The nights seem so long..the days seem so dreary when i don't talk to you...or even see you...
I'll wait forever just to have you next to me my love...
My love is always your love...
I will always stay with you no matter what...
I miss you so much....I need you now more than ever to tell me that you love me..and that you'll never leave me..

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls


And i'd give up forever to touch you
Coz i know you feel me somehow
You're the closes to heaven i'll ever be and i don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this momentAnd all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me cuz I don't think at they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Coz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
Coz i don't think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am


I love you....You know who you are....

"it's over"

"It's over"... How could just two simple words, create a mess in your life, A life that was days ago just perfect...something anyone would have chosen to live in, But these two words brought the sky down, Broke down all my defences... "It's over"... Those words run through my mind every single moment that passes by... How could this be...We seemed so right for each other.. You told me that you loved me, You told me that you will always and forever will, Was it all a lie? You told me I was the one You told me that I was the one you really cared about, Was all that a lie too? "It's over..." How could two simple words haunt someones mind so much..? How could you tell me that you loved me when you really didn't? Why lie?Why put me through hell? "It's over", You said these words, And left me clueless,left my questions unanswered, left my heart broken to a million pieces, why? How can i live now? I thought life went on, because it was you and me, Because I had you to love and protect me, All i feel now is emptiness and embarassment, I loved you, truely loved you, "It's over.." Two simple words that ended my perfect little world, where I knew I was safe, Where I knew I was loved, but now I'm left with nothing... Will I ever know why? Why you lied?Why it's over? What went wrong? How can two simple words create so much misery..? My heart cries out in the nights, needing to be loved by you again.... All I can do now, is relive each beautiful memory i have of us together.... It's over..you said...