Jaw Dropping; Awe Inspiring

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Journal 20

Okay, so it is the time of the year for things to start going downhill. Yipee… -__- I am oozing with sarcasm as of now, cos that’s all I've got.. It's been along time coming this one though, I thought I'd be ready you know?

I'm not. Far from it actually. I'm terrified of the coming reality, and all I can think of is I need to go crawl into a hole and wish it all away. -__- This aint sarcasm, this is the level of my foolishness - beyond normal. I tend to deny stuff (within my head) but I know things hardly EVER work they SHOULD, but I still keep denying minor facts and truths; just to keep my sanity in tact.

Thats normal right? Well for my level of human, I say it is. Prayers are all i have now, reminds me of the cheesy song by bon jovi - Livin on a prayer. Yes, yes... I manage to have cheesy moments for my life, just to keep it... what you say... movie like...

My life has plentiful drama, so a few cheesy music scenes won't really kill the reality of it all.


So coming back to depending on a prayer, really? Yea, really. It's now at this point, I'm fucking helpless and just need a way out of this retarded cycle called 'life'. Period. I want out. Or do I? Arrrgghh..

I'm a mess on my own. I don't need life to throw me a curve ball to actually ruin me, I can do it pretty well myself. It is at this moment, I begin to despise the very being of 'me', cos I just don't see any balls in me to actually pull this whole reality parade off. I despise myself in fear of letting down the one person I care about so much more than anything in this world because of my stupid stupid self.

You are most definitely my kind of beautiful. Have always been, and forever will be by Gods grace. You've managed to do alot of things that I thought you'd never be able to accomplish when it comes to me. I mean come on, it is ME. I stand for High and Heavy Maintenance. So I owe my world to you.


So apparently Blair Waldorf (yes i know...don't judge me) has a saying that goes "Destiny is for losers. It;s just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen.". I can't help but want to deny that truth, but you can't help but agree that what she says does run true, to some limit I guess. Cos this aint the Upper East of New York. Way way way far from the reality of that lifestyle, but still... maybe I should keep pushing? Should I?


My reasons of pondering, and hesitation : the consequences of doing something really risky for the sake of gaining something amazingly wonderful. Sounds simple and tempting, aint so easy my friends. But life goes on yes? Why am I this worried? Maybe because the balance of things will just be totally flipped, and whatever I actually do give a damn about won't prolly have a chance of staying in my life for reasons God literally only knows. And then what? The unknown freakin' scares the shit out of me. No seriously it does. My unknown. For MY life. Knowing scary negative portions of it not only makes things worse, but just makes me want to not disturb the balance of things!


Yes yes, I might just want the cake and eat the cake too sometimes... Either way that phrase just does not make sense, and I don't agree with it.

Life has to take a turn somewhere where it favors you're desires right? Atleast once?


Lord, I pray that it does. This time.


Otherwise, it's another friggin curve ball, lifes throwing at me... and I have no clue what to do with it!