Journal 11

Never would I’ve thought..that letting you go has unconsciously made my body and soul…ignore whatever I want anymore…I don’t know what I want…noone can ask me that…without leaving me blank…
I keep blinding myself..lying to myself..that what im doin is right…theyre happiness is everything for me now…it literally is…cos without it I have nothing an di mean that now not out of choice..but out of compulsion…because I have no feeling…whatsoever…

Something has been going on inside of me..long enough..to slowly begin to destruct me within…I was aware things were going to change for me…since I wudnt be having any more distractions…
Never did I think..that I would start or begin to have an immunity to emotion..i never thought of all people id go through it…
It’s a strange thing when you come to think of it..
So many choices have to be made by me..but I cant make them..for one reason or the other…so its their decision that counts for m y future..for my happiness..for my life…its not that bad is it?
I never used to doubt it..but inside..somethings happening..i cant retaliate..i cant speak against.. canjust nod my head..and accept it..pray that it works out..and inside is only where I may start to fight back..

Stupid is not the definition for it..
Now all iw ant is to be alone..i cant talk to you anymore..not when im like this..not when im in deep vulnerability..of letting you in once again…
I cant want anything for my self satisfaction anymore…because whenever that happens..i end up feeling guilty…wether I should or shouldn’t be is irrelevant…
Its not by choice…its completely involuntarily..and I guess out of habit..
How to break of it…I don’t know..
I don’t know even if I want to…

Am I crazy?probably..i seem to be driving myself insane..literally getting myself to run around in circles...
My eyes may seem droopy..and I may look lyk I haven’t slept in days…but all I want now is control..of my own life..of my own choices..of my feelings..of what I want and what I don’t…
I don’t want to have to worry about what they think…i want total control..
And trust that..i will make it work..make my life good..make myself happy..
I might regret losing you in so many ways..but I cant take back what I did…it was the right choice..for so many reasons…

How do I know what to do..when I cant figure out what I want?
When my insides are screaming out for something…which I cant seem to figure out…?
My minds gone blank…
I cant see clearly anymore…
My interests are weak..and just don’t seem interesting anymore…

Tell me Lord..what do I do now?when my world has seemed to go foggy on me…?
When I cant see my choices clearly?
What do I do…when my heart has seemed to close up on me….