Journal 8

At one point of your life, you might turn into this person you don’t recognize…your in this body of this sad, disturbed person who doesn’t seem to get out of this sphere of absolute misery…and your actions, thinking are all things that you never thought you’d do…all of a sudden you feel as though your leading a double life…one that’s completely fake and a pretense…and the other that seems to not exist anymore…

The more obvious one is the former one, because things have just been piling one on top of the other on your mind…its been getting too much to handle…so it’s the easy way to wake up each morning with the will to actually go through the day with a smile plastered to your face…
As days go by, you realize that your not pretending anymore…this person IS you, and you cant rid yourself off the misery no matter how hard you try, you might make up your mind that ‘today I’m going to feel genuinely great!’….where eventually…something comes your way just to screw that ‘promise to yourself’ up…

Walking past the corridors, where we used to laugh…play, joke and lived like we’re supposed to…I see just the ghosts of all that happiness, like all of that was for the very last time…
They all pass me like a soft sad breeze that reminds me of what’s lost and can’t be regained…
I can see myself in the happiest place in my life…I wonder whether I’ll ever be there again…?

I’m someone I don’t know…someone I don’t like….someone I want to get rid of…but have no clue how…
I want to go back to that place…
Life’s too great for suffering…for misery…so how...how do I get rid of you?
Because now it’s getting too hard to differentiate, who is who…?
This pretense thing is pathetic, it’s suffocating…because you cannot express yourself…your stuck…with a body whose main goal seems to be screwing up your life!
You can’t get your way no matter how hard you try…it just gets worse…
Because everything seems to end with this huge regret…and you’re the one who suffers…its frustrating...you cant control it...you can’t change it…yet you’re the one who endures the consequences….
Its not logical at all is it? It’s an absolute confusion…I don’t even get what’s going on…

So all you’ve got to do is wake up…slap on that smile…and go by your day…whatever happens let it…right?
Well that can go on for a while…but not for good…it gets tiring…it gets exhausting…to pretend that your alright when your not…to pretend your happy when your not…to pretend that you care when you don’t…to pretend you love when you don’t…the list goes on…
But then again your too afraid to stop pretending…cos now you’ve gotten so used to satisfying everyone, your afraid this is going to hurt too many that don’t deserve it…and once again your stuck…stuck between what you want…and your conscience..