Journal 7

I cant cry anymore...oh dont get me wrong i want to...i so want to...but all of a suddend its as though my body is completely against me releasing all of that pain thats just stored up insyde...Because it has come to apoint in my life..where i dont feel that i;m ever gonna be good enouh for myself to ever be satisfied with anything i do..does that make sense?
It has come to a point in my life..where i have totally given up on the fact that anything..or everything will get better...will be alright...because now i shall live for the sake of others..right?for their happiness..and fulfilling their certain expectations...
And whether I like it or not...whether you agree with me or not...nothings gonna change the way life has turned out to be...
I cant cry anymore..the one thing that really helped me..the one th ing that really purified..so much of me...now i cant do ..cos i feel impure..and deceitful...
because i did a selfish thing..I did something that i regret...and will always will..and now i've made up my mind unconsciously that I dont deserve to be who i used to be..i dont deserve to be that self satisfied..carefree person i used to be..why?why...because...i've caused pain...too mcuh of it for a person that doesnt deserve even an inch of it...i am the cause of a life ruined..and for hope lost..why should i deserve to be happy ..wehn its because of me they are lost...and wounded?

I cant cry...its all blocked up in my chest,,,and in my throat...i want to...i try...to let it all out..to scream..and shout it all out...but theres nothing..its all hollow and empty now...i cant describe it..cos i've never felt this way...never been through this..and to put it into words..is truly hard for me...give me some time and i'l explain to you later..
its as though someone..strangles your heart..causes you pain...and then places another hand over your mouth so that you cant scream it all out..then ties ur hands and legs..so that you cant move..so that every inch of your body feels the torture...feels the pain...that every muscle fibre feels insyde of you..when your hearts constricted...thats how it is...the tears dont fall...even though you have a million and one reaspns to cry...they dont fall...

I cant speak...cos i have no words to describe any of it..even if i do...i doubt any of you would get it..unless your in the situation itself..oh and im not writing it for any of your pity..or your criticisms...its for my satisfaction...its been a long while since i let it out...
I cant speak...because my mind cant register whats happening around me...cos there doesnt seem to be a reason to smile..no reason to literally lean back and enjoy life...honest to god i never thought i;d be one these people who just wanted to suffer and be utterly lost in the world..but right now i really cant think of nethin else i'd want to do ...
I cant speak...cos my body cant take any more of lifes unexpected surprises that just dont bring a smile to anyones face anymore...because my mind cannot and does not want to understand the meaning of lifes hidden reasons as to why everything happens...because it has come to a point that no matter how hard i try to take control of my life..it just slips ryt back out of my hand...and once again life proves to me that now more than ever...i can not control my life...

Oh sure many of you would disagree with me..but who the heck gives a rats ass about what you think..all you probably know in life is goodness..and hapiness and the joys in life..you've probably never even been through a real trauma in life..to actually judge what i say...so my advice to you...shut up and be grateful for every damn thing you;ve got!cos you have no clue when it will be taken away from you!

I cant laugh...because literally...that part of me is nowhere to be found..oh i searched..but its gone..too late to get it back..and i dont even want that part of me back..why?cos i dont see a reason as to why i should have it back...life hasnt really given me a reason ... noone has really proved to me its better laughing than this...noone..
I cant laugh...because it shouldnt be done alone...

Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is the best medicine....sometimes a comforting friend...sometimes someone whos willing to just sit next to you in utter silence..sometimes all you need is a smile...sometimes a hug...sometimes all of it....just all of it...with no questions asked...thats all you need to get better...



1:27 am