Journal 18

It's 4:18 am, I can't fall asleep and I can't stop the randomness of my thoughts

Now it's mostly turned towards revolving you, and I hate this. I hate not knowing exactly where you are and what you're doin, I hate not being sure if I'm getting too sappy on you, I hate not being there when you tell me you aren't feeling good, I hate not knowing where you exactly are when you're there, I hate the distance, because in the dead of night when I wake up I want you, I want to see you and I want to hear you, because in the midst of the dark the distance feels like a non existent space, where everything about you and I exist in my mind and I have to hold onto every thought and every memory so tight, coz' I'm scared to death of not having you inside me.
That empty space feels so much more bigger than the oceans between, everything I want to know of you is based on assumption and words that you tell me and my imagination to create something similar to what you describe to me, I hate it.

I hate feeling like I exaggerate every feeling for you and to you, I hate not knowing...
I hate knowing that when we're together, we're amazing together..and I hate that we can't be amazing together any time we want...

I don't know, I can't help that my hearts full of you, and I can't help feeling all of this and more, I can't help needing you more everyday.. but it gets scarier and harder everyday...doesn't it?
"Cause I need you Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind, Like the orphan needs home once again, Like heaven needs more to come in, I need you here."

I don't want to overwhelm you with my fears, that's what I'm afraid I might end up doing if I do go on like this because I know it will push you away somehow, even if it is mentally... but this is to let go of it all for a while, just to say out loud that sometimes I need you more than you need me, and sometimes I want you with me more than you want to be with me.

You're what keeps me alive. The thought of you. The way your eyes look into mine. Your smile, the touch of your skin, your lips. Whether I die tomorrow or 50 years from now, my destiny is the same. It's you. I want to be with you. I love you