I guess now i'm building up that resistance from actually letting you inside me and mesing me all up...its taking time but it is worth it...i see it now...cos what you do doesnt do anythin to me insyde...i admit it affects me mentally...but thats not strong as what happens emotionally...the pain is slipping away....
the solution...was just to keep my distance i guess,,,i mean...is it my fault that i love too much too fast..when you love just a little....maybe its just not meant to be..i mean why force things that never are meant to be in the first place right?
it might be emotionally rong..but practically its right...thats what my mind says...why get into sumthin that you know will eventually break you... when you have the choice of just walking away...??seriously i mean its that easy....
aaah....its just a whirlwind of thoughts rushing into and out of my mind...every night before i go to bed...thats the only time where i cant distract myself from thinkin or wondering about you...
yea i've come to a realization that i cant deny the fact that im so hung over you...but i also know that i can control it...it is hard...but its sumthin to be done...it hurts but thats the things are supposed to be right...
when in my life i can do what my instincts tell me to do i'll never know....but i knwo that when it comes to you my instincts are nowhere near a possibility...!!
then again come to think of it...maybe i dont really love you this way...maybe its just a craving for now....cos i cant find a single damn reason for me to be in this position...and its not love exactly...but this irritating want...need...that just hangs onto me everytime your near...everytime i hear your voice...everytime....god....
other than the fact that................cos it feels as though it was just a dream...and im a pathetic fool to actually thought it meant something...because...i just feel like an absolute stranger walking past you...nothin between us....and you...god knwos what the hell goes thru that head...i just wish one day...one day once all this crap is solved...i hear you out...from your mouth...telling me what it meat....goddd why do i feel so lame and stupid?!!??!!?coz i am...?probably so...dammmnnn...
you think i want to feel this way about you?hell no...who would want to love someone you cant have....worse love some who doesnt love you back the same!!
now the main thing that still i just cant get is..why why why all this...i mean.. what the hells the reason...other than the above...that was like what a once in a lifetime thing..never gonna happen again?dont want it to ever happen again....so what then,,,,?
i just dont know why,,,,you of all people make my stomach feel all gooey inside when i knwo im gonna see you....why you of all people literally leave me with no words to speak....why you of all people make me sick till my minds blurred out!!!!why you?!?!?
so out of all this...iv realized another thing..i cant change this thing i have for you..neither can i completly get rid of it until ur out of my life....
because no matter how badly i wana get away from you...i wana be with you every single moment...no matter how much i hate you..i love you every bit....
nobody knows this...nobody knows who you are...maybe you do...but what you gonna do abt it....nothin right?so theres no point....
dont you dare say to me you love me more....you want to be with me.. dont you dare utter those words to me....it just makes you look....
over and over again...the same cycle repeats itself..and im foolish enought o fall for it every damn time...now all i;ve got to do is get myself far far away from you as possible...maybe not physically...but emotionally...mentally...just away from you....
thats all thats left fot me to do....isnt it....?
Jan 17th '08
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