Journal 6

Hatred is a scary thing…I mean ive said it so many tymes I hate you I hate her o I hate him…whatever…but truly havnt felt hatred…is it that way for everyone…?
Cos now ive experienced pure hate….and damn its hell…cos its like snake poison…get too close it gets in…and you try to suck it all out…the poison gets out…but not all of it…a part of it will always be there…but when its poison u treat it…and sumhow u can get rid of it..hatred…well its different when it comes to that…I doubt theres a cure for it except for time, understanding, patience…and well a point of view other than your own…
And on top of all things..when you hate someone you love…well…quite a lot…you;ve never felt love like that…be it a lover..a best friend..or just a friend…that’s horrible right?i mean people from outside..the ones not experiencing it..what wud they say…damn girl that’s not right..maybe you don’t love em at all..maybe this aint real..maybe you better leave it and just move on…yea likes that’s easy…they wont get it..and im admitting it..cos if someone told me this I wud say the same..cos it’s the obvious and natural thing to say ryt..i mean how in gods name can you hate sum you love that much?
But im being dead honest…its possible…and I guess you;ve gotta choose between hate or love…either hate the person and forget abt em ever being in ur life..not ez but its an option…OR..love em with all your heart,
make so many great moments that the bad ones just fade away..become non existent…and be clear with the fact that you gotta be patient…understanding to the max…and are willing to face anything that hits you hard….
Both have a price…its your choice to make…
I chose the latter…
And yea..its tough…because the bad…doesn’t go away…cos it was never burnt away…it was never truly thrown out..but just automatically pushed away…so its tricky now…when anything ‘not right’ happens…the bad comes back harder than ever…and its hard really hard to gulp it all down AGAIN..to suck it all up and be mature about it…because..frst of all you go through it on your own…you cant really talk to anyone abt it..cos rarely anyone gets it…2nd..you dnt wana be the bad guy or sound like the bad person…and 3rd cos you just dnt want to feel this way…but you do…whos fault is that?you are the one in control of urself ryt?you don’t wana hurt ne1..so its tough…real tough…

Theres also a feeling of being…impure of heart…deceitful…you just don’t feel good about anything..no matter whatever good you do…you know that these feelings exist…you just cant accept the goodness thrown at you..because out of all the feelings its ‘hate’, something so nasty and cruel…that you yourself are disgusted by it…so what do you do then?for how long can you actually…just let it go…just forget abt it…just push it away….for how long will you be willing to put up with it…?

Then it finally ends up at a point where you question yourself….maybe the love really doesn’t exist…how can it..when you can feel such horrible things…doesn’t matter whether it starts out due to frustration or annoyance…it still exists right….?
Then you wonder how your gonna reveal it…just say…’im sorry…I don’t think I love you the way I thought I did…’?