Journal 15

I see the words I say, I see what I have said and I see what I've done...
Why don't I remember feeling what I felt at that moment?
How did it come this far, to be unaware of what I'm saying...

Insecurites lead to being defensive... what am is that makes me feel so insecure? that its destroying me...

Meagre words frustrate me.... non existent meanings of words you say bother me...
The shield comes up and the swords are drawn out.... but to protect what? what is it now?

How is it possible to not remember why I felt what I felt when I wrote what I wrote?
How is it sensible, to realize all that I've said was naive and unnecessary after the consequences fall through....

Where are these insecurities coming from? How is it not in my control?

I don't want to feel this way....

I don't want to not be in control of what I say or do....

Why doesn't it feel wrong at the beginning... and realization hits at the most inappropriate time...?

Is it pride? Superiority? Insecurity? What is it?

Help....